


to follow you up the long stairway

by kerrykins



Category: Crazy Rich Asians (2018)
Genre: 5+1 Things, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, fiction&femslashevent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-26 18:27:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19773886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kerrykins/pseuds/kerrykins
Summary: Five times Rachel cried in front of Eleanor and one time Eleanor cried in front of Rachel.





	to follow you up the long stairway

**Author's Note:**

> for everyone in the discord server whomst i LOVETH with my whole ass heart. esp reine for giving me the idea! esp elle for being an amazing friend! esp ace for making me fall in love with eleachel all over again and want to finish this originally 50 word wip

I would like to give you the silver

branch, the small white flower, the one

word that will protect you

from the grief at the center

of your dream, from the grief

at the center I would like to follow

you up the long stairway

— Margaret Atwood, _Variations on The Word Sleep_

**I.**

The first time Eleanor saw Rachel cry was over spring break two years ago. Many tears were shed then but the first came on the stairs, when Eleanor cupped the girl’s face and with an easy smile, torn her apart with five simple words: “You will never be enough.”

Rachel’s expression remained unchanged, though tears ran from the corners of her eyes down her cheeks. Her jaw tensed and for a moment it seemed like she was going to say something in retaliation. Then that determined spark evaporated, leaving Rachel looking small and defeated. Eleanor turned and left her standing, not feeling remotely sorry, but surprised at that steely look Rachel had given her.

**II.**

Rachel furrowed her brow as Eleanor shared the contents of the investigation report. Every word that fell from Eleanor’s mouth was a sharp barb that made Rachel recoil, and eventually shatter.

The girl’s face was beautifully made up and it was almost a shame to see it ruined. She was wearing that breathtaking gown of blue silk and tulle, shaking hands clutching at the skirt of it. Her gaze flickered to Eleanor, who returned the stare steadily. Tears glowed silver in the moonlight, her eyes shining. Eleanor raised an eyebrow in question, daring her to lash out. The girl’s expression was pained, a silent “how could you?” 

Eleanor did whatever she pleased and Rachel was foolish to assume that she of all people, would be an exception to this. Eleanor didn’t owe her anything.

But there was something haunting about that last, long look Rachel gave her before running off. Eleanor dwelled on it for months before finally stowing it away into the back of her mind.

**III.**

The third time was different from the rest, because it was also a first— the first time Rachel kissed her. Once they withdrew, Eleanor saw that the girl was crying, big sobs that made her chest heave.

“What’s wrong?” Eleanor lightly touched Rachel’s chin and then her cheek.

“I don’t know why I did that,” Rachel managed to gasp out. “I’m so sorry.”

Eleanor answered by kissing her soundly on the lips once more. Rachel’s face was wet and warm, the sensation unpleasant, but Eleanor found that she didn’t care that much.

“Don’t be,” she said. “I have some tissues in my purse. Now let’s get some coffee.”

**IV.**

Rachel was curled up on their bed, bawling. Eleanor rubbed her back in soothing circles as she asked what happened.

“I know it’s so stupid, but I just can’t believe our funding is getting cut. Hell, I didn’t ever think this would happen at a private university.” Rachel sniffed, and Eleanor kissed her forehead, an idea already taking shape in her head. Once Rachel had calmed down, Eleanor stepped out to make an important phone call.

The next day, Rachel burst into their shared apartment, beaming. “We got our funding back! And our budget is bigger than ever! We might get our own library and another lecture hall!”

Eleanor studied her from the couch, her lips quirked. “That’s good news.”

Rachel’s eyes went wide. “Wait, did you have something to do with this?” She leapt onto their bed in her day-clothes, something Eleanor disliked but didn’t reprimand her for.

The older woman just shrugged and set her glass of wine on the coffee table. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Mhm.” Rachel scooted close and kissed her deeply. Eleanor let her.

**V.**

“I can’t believe she said that to you,” Rachel sobbed. Eleanor tried not to roll her eyes as she handed the younger woman a Kleenex. “It’s really fine,” Eleanor said exasperatedly. “Your mother has a right to be suspicious, considering everything that happened in Singapore.” 

Rachel buried her face her hands. “I know, but still.” 

Eleanor sighed. Rachel was a fairly level-headed person, but in this state, she was inconsolable.

“I just want you two to like each other.”

“We will,” Eleanor reassured her. “But not now. Even if she doesn’t, my feelings for you remain the same.”

Rachel looked up and gave her a small smile. “Aww, that’s sweet.”

Eleanor made a noncommittal hum, but wrapped an arm around her.

**I.**

Rachel had never seen Eleanor cry before. The closest thing to emotional expression for Eleanor was to see her crack a rare, genuine smile. So when she came home to Eleanor full-out weeping, she couldn’t not freak out. Her chest rose and fell in nearly invisible sobs, her face hidden behind her hands.

“What happened?” Rachel knew that ‘are you okay’ would be a stupid question to ask, because Eleanor was clearly not.

“It’s nothing,” Eleanor said, waving her off. “I’m fine.” Her eyes shone and Rachel’s heart twisted at the sight.

“No,” Rachel said, already kicking her shoes off and tossing her coat aside. “You’re really not. Tell me what’s wrong.” She hopped onto the bed, edging towards Eleanor. When Rachel wrapped an arm around her, Eleanor stiffened but didn’t push her away.

“How was your day?” Eleanor’s voice came out rough, and she cleared her throat before speaking again. “Did you— did you finish grading those papers?”

Rachel opened her mouth to scold Eleanor for trying to change the subject, then realised that would be a bad idea. “Yeah,” she replied. “Do you want to talk about this or—”

Eleanor seemed at a momentary loss for words, clearly trying to compose herself. Once her breathing was even again, she met Rachel’s eyes, looking raw and anguished.

. “Not yet,” she murmured. “Later.”

Rachel already knew that Eleanor would try to weasel her way out of it but didn’t care. Instead, she hugged her as tightly as she could. Rachel could smell her perfume, the distinctive floral scent faded after a long day. “Cry as much as you need to. I’m here for you and I love you.” 

Eleanor laid her chin on Rachel’s shoulder and though she made no noise, her hands trembled and the slumped posture indicated that she was indeed, crying.


End file.
